i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
