remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Every concussion has its silver lining
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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