I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
