My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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