Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
