I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize