We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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