why didn't you poke me back
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
