I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I love you. Go after that dick
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
