I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
