god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize