You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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