Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize