I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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