I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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