I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
