At least make sure they are 18
Why
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
