some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
