TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
