i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
