You can't special order awesome
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
