Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
