All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
