When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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