Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
