Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
