If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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