I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
