My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
