the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
