I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
