living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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