You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
