five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
