worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
