and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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