hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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