Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
