Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We left an ass print on the piano.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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