so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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