I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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