Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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