Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
