mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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