cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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