The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize