take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
