wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
