i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize