Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You smell like stripper and shame
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
