Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
