i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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