Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Success! We fucked roommates!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize