I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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