i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
