Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
