Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
