Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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