Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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