I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I did not marry a roomba.
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