it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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