i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
